Satire is dead. But it’s been dead since the first Trump administration, back when people were “owning the libs” with a combination of horse dewormers and willfully contracting COVID. Bleach consumption was discussed. It was a whole thing.
Not enough of those people died, apparently. We somehow got a second season of Trump and at this point, it looks like farce may finally have been killed off.
In addition to forming a white Christian nationalist death cult, Trump really wants history to remember him as one of the most self-aggrandizing people to ever serve as President of the United States. He would rather raze the Kennedy Center to the ground than have it continue without his name splashed all over it. He has literally gilded the lily all over DC, sending out his Parks and Rec folks to splash a bunch of gold paint over a bunch of monuments and statues.
In addition to constructing a hideous ballroom apparently inspired by the 1921 July 4th Ball held at the Overlook Hotel, Trump has held a military parade in his own honor and turned the 250th birthday of America into an MMA/White House crossover filled with mandatory attendees.
He also wants his own Arc de Triomphe. But while the French version celebrates the country’s military victories (both of them!) and is generally representative of national pride, Trump’s version would be all about Trump.
The problems are several. First, it’s the subject of litigation. Second, even his own National Park Service has pointed out that it would have an “adverse effect” on nearby historical monuments, including the Arlington National Cemetery and the Lincoln Memorial (the one with the misbehaving pool). Trump’s own FAA expressed some concerns about the proposed arch’s interference with flight paths but ultimately did the let’s-give-Trump-what-he-wants thing and suggested the only alteration be some sort of a warning light on top for planes… perhaps some sort of “eternal flame.” [Vomits involuntarily.]
Trump is struggling to justify building a gaudy piece of white-and-gold bullshit as a paean to his superior mediocrity. So, he’s doing what he always does in situations like these: fire up Truth Social to deliver rants/statements that look like they were composed by someone on a cocaine-and-151 bender.
If you can’t read/see the embed… oh man. You’re in for a treat. I’m just going to post the whole thing here because any cherry-picking of the best/worst parts might lead some people to believe that I’m just making this shit up.
Buckle up, buttercups:
At the strong request of the United States Military, and for National Security purposes, I have agreed to convert the magnificent Triumphal Arch, planned since the Civil War Era many years ago, at the Receptive Circle adjoining the Arlington Memorial Bridge, into a top grade Military Complex/Triumphal Arch, to house, store, and have the rapid ability to use large numbers of drones, plus Snipers, on both the roof and plaza areas, and additionally have and hold large quantities of sniper ammunition in storage. There will be no facility like this anywhere in the World. Out of the 59 top cities and Capitals, Washington, D.C., IS THE ONLY ONE IN THE WORLD THAT DOES NOT HAVE A TRIUMPHAL ARCH, but it will now and, by far, the greatest of them all! Thank you for your attention to this matter. President DONALD J. TRUMP
You’re seeing this too, right? It’s not just me who may or may not be on a cocaine-and-151 bender? This is a guy who thinks everyone respects him just out there on main claiming the “United States Military” has requested he turn his ego stroke of a monument into some sort of immobile war machine.
This sounds like it was written by a seven-year-old to explain the massive amount of hand-drawn violence currently covering the notebook paper he was supposed to be using to show his work during math class. I cannot imagine any healthy adult actually claiming a “triumphal arch” can — or even should! — house “large numbers of drones, plus Snipers… and… large quantities of sniper ammunition.”
Are we supposed to believe the “roof” of the monument will just be launching pads for drones — drones, I might add, that will be launched directly into the flight paths of descending commercial flights arriving at Dulles? Are the snipers just going to live there? Will the two towers of the arc act like extended clips for sniper ammo? Will it just be 250+ feet of belt-fed ammo accessed directly through “Freedom Slits” or whatever the fuck?
And what even is a “top grade Military Complex” in the context of self-gratifying embarrassment of a monument? And if it is actually going to be all of these things, why are we telling everyfuckingbody that we’re building a drones-and-bullets centerpiece in Washington, DC? Won’t that just make it one of the first targets in any invasion/terrorist attack/rummaging for pawnable goods after its erection? Speaking of erections, why can’t we have a president who gets off to normal things, like Marilyn Monroe? Or being cucked by Lorena Hickok?
All I can see now is some sort of drone-encircled, twin-towered .50 cal with Trump branding and a bunch of pissed off guys dressed like Solid Snake doomscrolling social media 250 feet above the ground. If for no other reason than Trump’s own Truth Social post, this abomination should never be constructed. But if we’re going to get blighted by the blightiest of self-declared urbanites, we may as well make it something everyone in the world will instinctively want to destroy.